To FOX Broadcasting Company, local:

Dear Fox 11,

I have to say, coming home from an acquaintance’s lonely bday drinks, that I am super-pumped that M*A*S*H is on right now! Kudos! I love coming home and knowing that Pierce and Hunnicut (or Trapper John, depending on the season) are here, ready to delight me with their war-time humor.

Like tonight for instance, it’s a Hunnicut episode with Potter and Winchester, about hemorrhagic fever. Those fellas know how to entertain!

Anyway, I just want to say thanks for this. But I do have a concern.

What is the deal with; 1) Bringing back A Current Affair, 2) putting it on at 11pm, thus displacing the 11pm-I’ll-go-to-sleep-right-after-it,-I-swear-episode of The Simpsons? What gives? That’s great that you’re once again going to be “breakin’ all the rules” with your cutting edge news program (previously hosted by Maury Povich), but at what price Homer?

Hold on –
The guys are going to try isotonic saline, it’s a crap shoot, but this poor kid’s putting out a liter/hour.
Are you sure? Any use of saline could result in dishonorable discharge and sanctions.
I say go for it.
Thanks, Colonel.

Okay, I’m back. Anyway, I rely on that nightly episode of The Simpsons – I know a few people who do; and well - we’re all pissed. It was important to know that all was right in Springfield before we drifted off to sleep.

Look, I forgave you when you tried putting Drew Carey at 11; we both realized that was a mistake (you were even still running ads that said “Simpsons at 11” for weeks into the schedule change; I was thwarted every night, but I still stood by you). And you fixed it; you did the right thing.

The guys have successfully used a microscopic amount of saline, and saved the troops!
They may even get published!
Oh, and Winchester didn’t really marry that woman while on leave, but they had an un-wedding ceremony anyway.

But now you want to put this “news program” on at 11, and I can’t understand where you’re coming from. I thought we had a relationship based on mutual respect and fulfillment of needs, but I can see that you’re not thinking of anyone but yourself. I never thought I’d ever say this, but I’m disappointed in you.

Let’s try to think of a way to make this right,

AK-77